Surrounded by expectations

I am the 5th child in the siblings of 6. I am suddenly the one who is expected of everything my other siblings didn’t achieve. I am expected to be someone who is diligent and one day be the one to help out the family. As of now I don’t see the Family as a whole anymore it’s more of just a name. Every single morning and every single night without fail my mother keeps on giving me sermons of how I failed and that I must be ashamed of being what I am today.

I extended a year in college. At times I feel very useless. Melancholy always fills my heart. Self-pity floods my head. I am really confused. I don’t know what I should do or what I must become. As of date, I hate being Dennis. I loathe Dennis. He is nothing but a burden to his mom. I am indifferent of the things that happen around me. I don’t know why is that so. I am likely in a position where I don’t know where I stand. I am lost in this maze of unending expectations. I don’t know whether to embrace all this expectations and be what they expect me of. or I should be something that I want to be. I don’t see graduation as a door to freedom but a door to the crown of burdens I must bare. I only see work and not happiness. I only see expectations. I only see suffering. I am unsure of things that might happen when I come up that stage and reach for that diploma. I feel miserable. I don’t feel any motivation to go through this. That it is worth it. I sometimes think of ending my line. But it seems that will just worsen the problems at hand my mother needs me to help her. I am in a middle of a dilemma that I can’t escape. My heart is weary and tired. I do not wish to tire myself even more with all this stuff running around my head and my heart. I feel alone. Even if you say that I have my girlfriend. I feel alone. alone in carrying this burden of mine. I do not think I can stop my smoking at this rate. My head is always filled with this thoughts that make me feel agitated and as if I’m going to lose my sanity. I don’t know where to turn to. I don’t know who to talk to. I am in need of help. I feel that I am carrying the burden that my older siblings are supposedly carrying. I can’t do anything now, what is done is done and it cannot be reversed. Mixed and complex emotions are filling me right now. I feel as if I do not have any choice to do what I want to do. I feel pathetic. I don’t know if I should just kill myself so that everything will end. No more expectations, No more sermons. there is just….naught…

Song of Death

Embrace me oh darkness with your scythe
Kiss me with your poison of death
hold me with your blade of blood
comfort me with your blanket of arrows
take me from this world of sorrows
Put me into the pedestal of death
as the scarlet red river flows
bring me peace Da light of death
as I close my eyes and breathe
life leaves my soiled body
Take me oh Grim Reaper.

-Dionysus01