Dennis = despair

DespairI am writing this post out of curiosity and emotional outburst. What is life without Dennis? The Dennis that isn’t a good son to his parents. Wastes the money of his brother-in-law and eldest sister on an expensive technical school because he doesn’t do his best. The Dennis that was told that they have high expectations on him. That you must no do anything stupid because you only have one shot at this. The Dennis that everyone sees with a bright smile and radiant aura, but deep inside he is a scared kid that puts up a face that holds him together. The truth is I can’t help but envy people who don’t experience and feel the way I do. I am sensitive person. I am moved by emotions easily. I never fear tears that come from my face, for they are true and from the heart.

At times I have this self-pity syndrome. I pity myself for being a person who cannot do things the way my parents want or the way my relatives that care want. I often think, What is life without Dennis. I can imagine the scene. Without Dennis my mom won’t have to do much effort in giving things I require for my college or anything that I want to have. She doesn’t have to suffer from all the problems that I am giving her as her son. She won’t have problems dealing with relatives that have high expectations on me. I am depressed with the feeling that I cannot do anything to help my mother. So I thought what if I cease to exist in the life of everyone. I don’t really see the importance . There are a lot of people who are worth of what i have right now. For I don’t see any worth in me. I am a disappointment to everyone. To my Dad who want a son that will graduate on time, I failed. To my sister who hopes me to be the one to help the family of what my older sibling failed to do or turned away from the responsibility. The burden is really too much for me but never the less, I still put up a smiling face. A mask that I wear every time I speak to my friend and other people around me. Nobody really understand how I am right now. I am one big joke. half-baked.

As of now, I wish to vanish without a trace as if I never even existed. With that I may assure that thing will work out differently and would have a better outcome. I despise myself. I hate every bit of me. At times I would like to ask the the scythe to run through my neck and judge me. I don’t have the will to be what they want me to be. I am weak, a cowardice, a failure, a disgrace. I wish my string would be cut. for I believe that will give relief to people around me. I throw the white sheet into the ring. I don’t know who I am now.

P.S.

If anyone has read through this whole post. I thank you..

Dennis

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